Some Amusement

In the Field

May 2022

From Peter Fritz & Les Rosenthal

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside of Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.

“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.

“Afternoon,” says the farmer.

“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.


“What do you have in the wagon?”


“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”

“I spread it over the fruit.”

“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

White text on black background: Siri, why am I so bad at relationships? / "This is Alexa!"

A poor Jewish farmer finds God while walking through his field.

“God, what is a million years like for you?”

“My son, for me a million years is like a second.”

“God, what is a million dollars to you?”

“My son, a million dollars means nothing to me.”

“So God, can I have a million dollars?”

“In a second.”

Keep It Short

April 2022

From Peter Fritz & Les Rosenthal

A new Rabbi, having asked for advice on how to deliver a sermon was told three things.

First, speak about the weekly Torah portion.

Second, be honest with the Congregation.

Third, keep it short.

That Sabbath, the Rabbi arose, walked to the pulpit and said:

“We are about to read this week’s Torah portion. To be honest, I have no idea what it is.”

Then, he sat.

Professional Advice

March 2, 2022

From Sid Goldstein and Les Rosenthal

A man on a smart phone says to a woman across the table from him, "are you going to read a book the whole time? That's so rude!"phoneLeventhal the lawyer and Cohen the doctor meet in synagogue on Shabbos. “Leventhal, you don’t know how lucky you are. Every time I come here to pray, people hound me with their medical problems. This one has stomach trouble. That one has back pain. Everybody wants free advice. But you? Nobody bothers you with legal questions. How do you do it?”

“Nothing to it. Any time somebody asks me for legal advice, I send them a bill on Monday.” Cohen loves the idea. Come Monday, he’s sitting in his office writing up a bunch of bills when there’s a knock on his door. It’s the mailman, with a bill from Leventhal.

When in Russia

December 27, 2021

from Sid Goldstein

A yeshiva student takes an important oral exam based on the commentaries of Rashi, the illustrious 11th-century sage.

After he answers the last question, the Rosh Yeshiva (Head of School) claps his hands and exclaims, “What an incredible student! He could’ve been a member of the Sanhedrin in the times of the Holy Temple, like the great Akiva or Hillel!”

The other instructors look at the Rosh Yeshiva, surprised.

“Surely not so much, Rabbi? Perhaps you’re exaggerating a little?”

“Not at all. They hadn’t read Rashi either.”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

In the 1970s, a Red Army inspector questions a boy in school.


“Who is your father?”                 –“The Soviet Union.”

“Who is your mother?”               –“The Communist Party.”


“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

–“A worker for the glory of the state and the party.”


The inspector then points to one of the girls.


“Who is your father?”                 –“The Soviet Union.”

“Who is your mother?”               –“The Communist Party.”


“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

–“A Soviet heroine raising many children for the Party.”


The inspector spots a Jewish boy in the back of the classroom trying to lay low.


“What’s your name?”                 –“Shmuly Rabinovich.”

“Who is your father?”                 –“The Soviet Union.”

“Who is your mother?”               –“The Communist Party.”


“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

–“An orphan.”

A Little Humor

November 1, 2021

From Sid Goldstein

A man gets on a train going from Grand Central Station in New York to Chicago. It’s a lengthy train trip, which is good, because he’s going there to deliver a lecture on Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit, and he hasn’t opened the book in the last 15 years. So, he gets on the train, sits down, and takes out his book, which he’s planning to review. An older Jewish man comes in, excuses himself and sits down opposite. The man reads his book. Half an hour outside New York, the old man leans back, looks at the ceiling and says “Oy, am I thoisty!” Fifteen seconds later, he says it again. And again 15 seconds after that. The guy with the Hegel book sighs, marks his place in the book, gets up, walks all the way down the corridor to the end of the car where there’s a fountain with Dixie cups, fills one, walks ten steps back, thinks better of it, turns around, takes another Dixie cup and fills it too. So he’s walking the aisle of this moving train, trying to balance two full cone-shaped paper cups of water without spilling it onto his suit. He gets back to his seat. The old man is still just sitting there going, “Oy, am I thoisty!” The professor hands the old man the cup. The old man takes the cup, his eyes shining with gratitude, and drains it. Before he can say anything, the professor gives him the other cup, and he drains that too. The professor goes past him to his seat, picks up his book, reads about three words, and the old man goes, “Oy, was I thoisty!”

A Little Humor

October 1, 2021

From Les Rosenthal

Kosher Computers now Available – Don’t wait – Order yours now!

It is now possible to purchase Kosher computers, made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM.

The price is low (wholesale), even with the shipping from Israel. However, before you purchase a kosher computer, you should know there are important changes from the non-kosher computer, such as:

  1. The ‘Start’ button has been replaced with a ‘Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!’ button.
  2. You hear ‘Hava Nagila’ during startup.
  3. The cursor moves from right to left.
  4. When Spell-Checker finds an error it prompts, ‘Is this the best you can do?’
  5. It comes with a ‘monitor cleaning solution’ from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the ‘schmutz und drek.’
  6. When running ‘Scan Disk’ it prompts you with a ‘You want I should fix this?’ message.
  7. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes ‘Schloffen.’
  8. The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  9. It comes with two hard drives – one for fleyshedik and one for milchedik topics.
  10. But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can’t get SPAM.

Some Humor

September 1, 2021

A Jewish woman in a hospital says to the doctor that she wants to be transferred. The doctor says, “What is it, the food?” She says, “The food is fine. I can’t kvetch.” “Is it the room?” he says. “No,” she says, “the room is beautiful. I can’t kvetch.” “What about the staff? Is there a problem with the staff?” She says, “No. They’re beautiful people. I can’t kvetch.” “So why do you want to be transferred?” he asks. “I can’t kvetch,” she says.

– – –

A Jewish girl becomes president and says to her mother, “You’ve got to come to the inauguration, Mom.” The mother says, “All right, I’ll go, I’ll go. What am I going to wear? It’s so cold. Why did you have to become president? What kind of job is that? You’ll have nothing but tsuris.” But she goes to the inauguration, and as her daughter is being sworn in by the chief justice, the mother turns to the senator next to her and says, “You see that girl up there? Her brother’s a doctor.”

– – –

A very devout Jew, Saul, is always there for minyan, he never misses shul. One day he’s at temple, and he starts praying and says, “God, I never asked you for anything, but I would like to win the lottery.” And he comes back the next week and he says, “I never asked you for anything, I helped build this synagogue. I do everything for the Jewish people. I don’t understand it. I asked you for one thing, just one thing, and you couldn’t make it happen.” He comes back the next week, and it’s the same thing. “What kind of God are you? I never ask for anything. One time, I just wanted to get one thing from you, God.” And the heavens open up, and there’s thunder and lightning, and God speaks and says, “Saul, help me out, buy a ticket.”

A Little Humor

July 3, 2021

From Merry Glass & Sid Goldstein

Six retired Jewish mates were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him,” says Goldberg.

* * *

A young scholar from New York was invited to become a rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the 10 Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year old Mr Katz in the nursing home. “Mr. Katz, I’m asking you as the oldest member of the community, what is our synagogue’s custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?”

“Why do you ask?” asked Mr. Katz.

“Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down… ”

“That,” said the old man, “is our custom.”

Some Humor

By Kay Lorraine & Peter Fritz

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench, arguing over which one’s son loves her the most. The first one says, “You know, my son sends me flowers every Shabbos.”

“You call that love?” says the second mother. “My son calls me every day!”

“That’s nothing,” says the third woman. “My son is in therapy five days a week. And the whole time, he talks about me!”

The Old Man

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

A Little Humor

From Sid Goldstein & Lorna Holmes


A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. “Enjoy,” He said. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “I thought you were literate people. There’s a lot of misspellings here!”


A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, “Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “What do you mean,” says the man, “this is a Jewish dog. Look.” And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck. “Rover,” says the man, “daven!” “Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa, and puts it on his head. “Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck. “Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven. “That’s fantastic,” says the shammas, “absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!”

“You speak to him,” says the man, “he wants to be a dentist.”

A Little Humor

From Les Rosenthal & Sid Goldstein

An anti-Semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn’t like it.
“Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!”
Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-Semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-Semite loses his satisfied expression.
“Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a burger!”

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, “Everyone except the Jew.”
The Jewish man looks at the anti-Semite and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-Semite says to the bartender, “Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?”
“Oh no, sir, he’s the owner.”

Some Humor

January 10, 2021

From Les Rosenthal & Bill Schwartz

John Chester was a famous photographer and he decided that he was going to embark on an ambitious new project: photographs of houses of worship around the world. Temples, churches, mosques, synagogues, everything. As different as they all were, he noticed one thing in common. They all appeared to have a golden phone on the wall. So at one stop, he finally got up the courage to ask the spiritual leader if he could use the phone. “You may but it costs $10,000 per minute,” said the holy man. The photographer was flabbergasted. “Is this because it is a direct line to heaven and you can speak directly to G-d?” asked the photographer. “That is correct, my son.” Every house of worship he visited, the photographer confirmed the same story. Until finally he came to Jerusalem where he entered a small synagogue with an old rabbi sitting at the front, where sure enough there was a golden phone on the wall with a sign that read, “Calls: 25 cents.” Fascinated, the photographer approached the rabbi. ”Rabbi, I have been in countries all around the world and in each house of worship I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to G-d, but the cost was always $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?” The old rabbi smiled and replied, “Because here it’s a local call.”


A Jewish man is shipwrecked on a desert island. He’s stuck for years! Using materials from around the island, he builds a house, a store, and a synagogue. Eventually, he’s made a whole neighborhood. One day, he’s rescued by a passing ship. The sailors help him collect his few possessions and get ready to leave the island forever. Just before they leave, one of the sailors says, “Hey! Why’d you build two synagogues?”


The man rolls his eyes. “This,” he says, pointing to one building, “is my synagogue.”

“And that,” he says, pointing at the other, “is the one I would never set foot in!

Humor from Bill Schwartz

Abe was doing some roofing work for Yaacob. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Yaacob and says “I think I will have to go home; I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”

Yaacov asks, “Ave yer got vertigo?”

Abe replies, “No I only live round the corner.”

A Little Humor

By Les Rosenthal & Ruth Freedman

Three bubbes are sitting on a park bench.

The first one lets out a heartfelt “Oy.”

A few minutes later, the second sighs deeply and says, “Oy, vey.”

A few minutes later, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy, vey iz mir.”

To which the first bubbe replies,” I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children.”


The census taker comes to the Goldman house.

“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.

“No,” replies Goldman.

“Well, then, what is your name?”

“Louis Goldman.”

“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”

“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”


A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”

God says, “My son, a million years is a second to me.”

The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”

The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replies, “In a second.”


Why did the chicken cross the road?

OK, maybe you know that— To get to the other side.


But why did the chicken cross the road, roll on the ground, and return back?


Because he was a dirty double crosser.


– Is there a bracha to log off the web?

– Yes, borei p’ri log-off-en

Humor from Les Rosenthal

Q: Why didn’t thecomputerized shofar work on Rosh Hashanah?

A: The rabbi didn’t buy enough RAM


“Shalom, and welcome to the atonement hotline. At the tone, please be a mensch, and unburden your soul by stating how you’ve wronged me.”

Two flamingos talking. One stands on a scale on one foot. The other says: "Yeah, I've tried that before. Doesn't work."

The back of a wine truck. A sign says, "In case of emergency, bring cheese and crackers. Lots of cheese and crackers." An image caption at the top says: "I spotted this on a wine truck. I should follow them."


A Little Humor

By Les Rosenthal & Sally Morgan

Wedding canopy

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, “How may wives can a man have?” His friend answered, “Sixteen – four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx


Two Images from Les Rosenthal

A round matza surrounded by flowers. Title says, "next year in person."A black rectangle with white stripes. Image says in English and Hebrew: "Open for me the gates of Zoom that I may enter them and praise God."

From Sid Goldstein

An image of a rabbit with a glass of beer. Title says, "A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?" The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect.""

From Dina Yoshimi

Dina Humor Text

Quarantine Humor

A Corona Opera

January 27, 2021

Quarantine Humor

January 9, 2021

Via Les Rosenthal

Every few days it would be smart to put your jeans on to make sure they still fit. Pajamas and sweats will have you believe all is well.

The Pandemic in 6 Words:

November 20, 2020

By Les Rosenthal

Closed store with graffiti - Shut happens we will be back

Not a criminal, but running masked.

Every day’s a bad hair day.

Eighth hour of YouTube. Send Help!

Read every book in the house.

How Are You Holding Up During Quarantine?

March 97, 2020

By Don Armstrong

Mona Lisa wearing a face mask

  • Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
  • I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
  • I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.
  • I still haven’t decided where to go for Passover —– The Living Room or The Bedroom.
  • Every few days try your jeans on to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
  • Home schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
  • I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
  • I saw a neighbor talking to her cat this morning. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog…we laughed a lot.
  • After this quarantine…will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
  • Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
  • My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
  • Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
  • I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
  • I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of staying cooped up in Las Livingroom.
  • Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
  • Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.



Shabbat Times