Some Amusement

A Little Humor

From Sid Goldstein & Lorna Holmes

***

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. “Enjoy,” He said. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “I thought you were literate people. There’s a lot of misspellings here!”

***

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, “Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “What do you mean,” says the man, “this is a Jewish dog. Look.” And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck. “Rover,” says the man, “daven!” “Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa, and puts it on his head. “Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck. “Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven. “That’s fantastic,” says the shammas, “absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!”

“You speak to him,” says the man, “he wants to be a dentist.”


A Little Humor

From Les Rosenthal & Sid Goldstein

An anti-Semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn’t like it.
“Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!”
Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-Semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-Semite loses his satisfied expression.
“Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a burger!”

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, “Everyone except the Jew.”
The Jewish man looks at the anti-Semite and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-Semite says to the bartender, “Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?”
“Oh no, sir, he’s the owner.”


Some Humor

January 10, 2021

From Les Rosenthal & Bill Schwartz

John Chester was a famous photographer and he decided that he was going to embark on an ambitious new project: photographs of houses of worship around the world. Temples, churches, mosques, synagogues, everything. As different as they all were, he noticed one thing in common. They all appeared to have a golden phone on the wall. So at one stop, he finally got up the courage to ask the spiritual leader if he could use the phone. “You may but it costs $10,000 per minute,” said the holy man. The photographer was flabbergasted. “Is this because it is a direct line to heaven and you can speak directly to G-d?” asked the photographer. “That is correct, my son.” Every house of worship he visited, the photographer confirmed the same story. Until finally he came to Jerusalem where he entered a small synagogue with an old rabbi sitting at the front, where sure enough there was a golden phone on the wall with a sign that read, “Calls: 25 cents.” Fascinated, the photographer approached the rabbi. ”Rabbi, I have been in countries all around the world and in each house of worship I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to G-d, but the cost was always $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?” The old rabbi smiled and replied, “Because here it’s a local call.”

———————————————————————–

A Jewish man is shipwrecked on a desert island. He’s stuck for years! Using materials from around the island, he builds a house, a store, and a synagogue. Eventually, he’s made a whole neighborhood. One day, he’s rescued by a passing ship. The sailors help him collect his few possessions and get ready to leave the island forever. Just before they leave, one of the sailors says, “Hey! Why’d you build two synagogues?”

 

The man rolls his eyes. “This,” he says, pointing to one building, “is my synagogue.”

“And that,” he says, pointing at the other, “is the one I would never set foot in!


Humor from Bill Schwartz

Abe was doing some roofing work for Yaacob. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Yaacob and says “I think I will have to go home; I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”

Yaacov asks, “Ave yer got vertigo?”

Abe replies, “No I only live round the corner.”


A Little Humor

By Les Rosenthal & Ruth Freedman

Three bubbes are sitting on a park bench.

The first one lets out a heartfelt “Oy.”

A few minutes later, the second sighs deeply and says, “Oy, vey.”

A few minutes later, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy, vey iz mir.”

To which the first bubbe replies,” I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children.”

 

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.

“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.

“No,” replies Goldman.

“Well, then, what is your name?”

“Louis Goldman.”

“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”

“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

 

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”

God says, “My son, a million years is a second to me.”

The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”

The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replies, “In a second.”

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

OK, maybe you know that— To get to the other side.

 

But why did the chicken cross the road, roll on the ground, and return back?

 

Because he was a dirty double crosser.

 

– Is there a bracha to log off the web?

– Yes, borei p’ri log-off-en


Humor from Les Rosenthal

Q: Why didn’t thecomputerized shofar work on Rosh Hashanah?

A: The rabbi didn’t buy enough RAM

 

“Shalom, and welcome to the atonement hotline. At the tone, please be a mensch, and unburden your soul by stating how you’ve wronged me.”

Two flamingos talking. One stands on a scale on one foot. The other says: "Yeah, I've tried that before. Doesn't work."

The back of a wine truck. A sign says, "In case of emergency, bring cheese and crackers. Lots of cheese and crackers." An image caption at the top says: "I spotted this on a wine truck. I should follow them."

 


A Little Humor

By Les Rosenthal & Sally Morgan

Wedding canopy

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, “How may wives can a man have?” His friend answered, “Sixteen – four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx

 

Two Images from Les Rosenthal

A round matza surrounded by flowers. Title says, "next year in person."A black rectangle with white stripes. Image says in English and Hebrew: "Open for me the gates of Zoom that I may enter them and praise God."

From Sid Goldstein

An image of a rabbit with a glass of beer. Title says, "A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit "what'll ya have?" The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect.""

From Dina Yoshimi

Dina Humor Text

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