Quarantine Humor

How Are You Holding Up During Quarantine?

By Don Armstrong

Mona Lisa wearing a face mask

  • Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
  • I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
  • I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.
  • I still haven’t decided where to go for Passover —– The Living Room or The Bedroom.
  • Every few days try your jeans on to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
  • Home schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
  • I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
  • I saw a neighbor talking to her cat this morning. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog…we laughed a lot.
  • After this quarantine…will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
  • Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
  • My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
  • Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
  • I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
  • I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of staying cooped up in Las Livingroom.
  • Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
  • Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.